Do you really feel lonely?
Last week dapat tahu yang confim my gigih partner in Pretoria akan pulang ke Malaysia for good in December. Dalam masa yang sama another good friend yan can be considered as partner banyak fikir di Joburg akan pulang in June. Its a sad news to me actually. Walaupun I dah tahu kehidupan diplo seperti kami memang mencabar... memang kena biasakan diri hidup 'keseorangan'. It takes me many months untuk rapat dengan mereka berdua ni. Dengan partner gigih yang macam kakak sendiri, we always spend time together on wassap tentang tanam pokok, tentang masakan , tentang art crafts... dengan partner berfikir, dia contribute to make my brain keep active. We always spend many hours discuss about how to be minimalist, isu halal haram, isu how we missed our families and many more topics... we talked about books as well.
I am quite lucky sebab ada juga kawan walaupun sebenarnya we dont really know each other in depth. Walaupun kami selesa bersama tetapi still ada sedikit gap mungkin. There are still few things I cant discuss with them as an example I feel suffocating being no.2, I cant tell them that I feel burden being no.2, I dont know how to explain to them that susahnya utk manage people 'under me'...
Then I have my diplo friends from other countries too... but we normally meet on official and social functions. We put up our smile face and we talk about weather, food, culture... and behind the facade, we dont really know each other.
Berbeza sewaktu bekerja atau masa study dulu. Kita jumpa kawan kawan yg sama kerap... when we start being comfortable then we start to build trust... then we start to talk about many things... nasib bail dapat bff boleh cerita tentang masalah juga. unlike here as a diplo wife. Its not permanent. You and everyone stay in one place for a short period of time. If I come here first most probably I will leave this place first. Our crowds are keep changing.
I already spent 11 months with both of my gigih and fikir partners. And they are leaving soon. It took me many months to get comfortable and trust. Bila org baru sampai nanti then I have retart my new cycle of friendship again. And its quite hard sebenarnya. As a no.2 in the mission, I have to know whether mereka berbaik dgn I sebab they sincerely want to be my friend or on specific agenda. Well politics are everywhere, and politics among the diplo spouses are quite challenging though.
Do you really feel lonely, ila? Thats the question my mentor asked me 2 days back after we had lengthy discussion via messenger. Look from the bright side, I am very lucky to get to know her... she is currently no.1 and she understand my feeling well as she keep saying I was in your shoes last time. I was not easily open up to her, mengambil kira I sedar diri that as no.2, she is consider my superior. But somehow, I think we both now have a special bonding. I told her yes I feel lonely but I cant explain hows the feeling, because even my husband cant understand it.
Whenever I told D yang I tak ada kawan..he will say tak de kawan apa nya tu yang pergi minum kopi la makan kek la takde kawan apanya...
I cant really tell my friends in Malaysia apa masalah I di sini...I cant tell them how difficult to get people cooperation in doing things here... ni bukan macam kerja kat pejabat, bila you instruct your staff mereka akan buat sbb its their KPI. Here, if you are no.1 or no.2, you actually have the special position to get people assist you in doing things... doing things here bukan macam dok asrama ragging junior suruh gosok baju. Tp contoh kata la ada Hari Bazaar ASEAN, you need support from everyone utk masak, untuk jaga booth, untuk do promotions, do write up... tu satu contoh saje. And I can tell you it is not easy unless you hati kering, you instruct saje and tak peduli if they want to talk behind you. So I cant tell my friends in Malaysia...I pernah dapat komen 'ala ok la tu, at least you tak payah drive redah jam nak pergi office', or even they will say yang you kufur nikmat. Sbb as if dah hidup senang tapi still nak mengadu ada masalah. End up, I will swallow my bitter feeling and keep it to myself.
Honestly, its a lonely life sebenarnya. I miss being at work. I miss having lunch with my friends and we have lots of things in common to talk. Now I still have my Malaysia friends tp mcm ada gap. Because I cant be myself, I cant tell them all my problem. Recently I told my friend yg I risau my no.1 will come soon...i think its normal for us to worry and i just dont know to talk to whom, well before i spoke to my mentor... and my friend replied doa je byk2... ehm cemana la I tak cakap yg I rasa lonely, i cant even tell the truth apa yg i rasa...and i cant expect them to understand me too.
Kadang2 bila I down sangat and rasa sunyi sangat, I just whisper to myself, its ok...Allah ada...nanti mati pun sorang sorang. And Allah takkan membebankan umatnya dengan sesuatu yang kita tak mampu. Well, I am just a human being.
I am quite lucky sebab ada juga kawan walaupun sebenarnya we dont really know each other in depth. Walaupun kami selesa bersama tetapi still ada sedikit gap mungkin. There are still few things I cant discuss with them as an example I feel suffocating being no.2, I cant tell them that I feel burden being no.2, I dont know how to explain to them that susahnya utk manage people 'under me'...
Then I have my diplo friends from other countries too... but we normally meet on official and social functions. We put up our smile face and we talk about weather, food, culture... and behind the facade, we dont really know each other.
Berbeza sewaktu bekerja atau masa study dulu. Kita jumpa kawan kawan yg sama kerap... when we start being comfortable then we start to build trust... then we start to talk about many things... nasib bail dapat bff boleh cerita tentang masalah juga. unlike here as a diplo wife. Its not permanent. You and everyone stay in one place for a short period of time. If I come here first most probably I will leave this place first. Our crowds are keep changing.
I already spent 11 months with both of my gigih and fikir partners. And they are leaving soon. It took me many months to get comfortable and trust. Bila org baru sampai nanti then I have retart my new cycle of friendship again. And its quite hard sebenarnya. As a no.2 in the mission, I have to know whether mereka berbaik dgn I sebab they sincerely want to be my friend or on specific agenda. Well politics are everywhere, and politics among the diplo spouses are quite challenging though.
Do you really feel lonely, ila? Thats the question my mentor asked me 2 days back after we had lengthy discussion via messenger. Look from the bright side, I am very lucky to get to know her... she is currently no.1 and she understand my feeling well as she keep saying I was in your shoes last time. I was not easily open up to her, mengambil kira I sedar diri that as no.2, she is consider my superior. But somehow, I think we both now have a special bonding. I told her yes I feel lonely but I cant explain hows the feeling, because even my husband cant understand it.
Whenever I told D yang I tak ada kawan..he will say tak de kawan apa nya tu yang pergi minum kopi la makan kek la takde kawan apanya...
I cant really tell my friends in Malaysia apa masalah I di sini...I cant tell them how difficult to get people cooperation in doing things here... ni bukan macam kerja kat pejabat, bila you instruct your staff mereka akan buat sbb its their KPI. Here, if you are no.1 or no.2, you actually have the special position to get people assist you in doing things... doing things here bukan macam dok asrama ragging junior suruh gosok baju. Tp contoh kata la ada Hari Bazaar ASEAN, you need support from everyone utk masak, untuk jaga booth, untuk do promotions, do write up... tu satu contoh saje. And I can tell you it is not easy unless you hati kering, you instruct saje and tak peduli if they want to talk behind you. So I cant tell my friends in Malaysia...I pernah dapat komen 'ala ok la tu, at least you tak payah drive redah jam nak pergi office', or even they will say yang you kufur nikmat. Sbb as if dah hidup senang tapi still nak mengadu ada masalah. End up, I will swallow my bitter feeling and keep it to myself.
Honestly, its a lonely life sebenarnya. I miss being at work. I miss having lunch with my friends and we have lots of things in common to talk. Now I still have my Malaysia friends tp mcm ada gap. Because I cant be myself, I cant tell them all my problem. Recently I told my friend yg I risau my no.1 will come soon...i think its normal for us to worry and i just dont know to talk to whom, well before i spoke to my mentor... and my friend replied doa je byk2... ehm cemana la I tak cakap yg I rasa lonely, i cant even tell the truth apa yg i rasa...and i cant expect them to understand me too.
Kadang2 bila I down sangat and rasa sunyi sangat, I just whisper to myself, its ok...Allah ada...nanti mati pun sorang sorang. And Allah takkan membebankan umatnya dengan sesuatu yang kita tak mampu. Well, I am just a human being.
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